It has been nearly two years since I have been on this blog. Until last night, I had completely forgotten it existed. I’m not exactly sure what tripped my memory but I stumbled onto it again by accident. I saw that my last post was of my son Greyson, roughly 20 days after he had passed away. Which in turn, reminded me that TODAY is the two year anniversary of letting him go. The concept of time is so strange to me in this sense. We went from living our highest high to, well, the lowest anyone can be. To be completely transparent, we both had days and nights where we legitimately felt ourselves losing the will to live. You live in a pit of despair and you believe that it is all life will ever be from that point on. You lie to family, friends and doctors about how you’re truly feeling because for one, they will worry about you and two, there is no way for anyone to comprehend the gravity of grief smothering you and weighing you down. Physically and emotionally you are filling up with heavy sadness that feels like concrete. In the post I made, I mentioned that I thought his purpose might have been to teach us how to be the best version of ourselves and that I was always skeptical about believing in God until he came.
Eventually, we started to think about how we could honor him in each day by living with purpose, meaning in our behavior and in the way we carried ourselves, being conscientious about if it would honor or disappoint our boy. This holds true in the way we speak to each other and even the way we fight now.
We have spent the last two years struggling, changing, growing and loving each other through everything. We have been adjusting over the last 6 months to the idea that his baby sibling is going to be here soon and trying to convince ourselves that it will be okay this time. As I’m sitting here on the couch getting kicked in the ribs, I’m starting to believe it. We have been making big plans and are opening ourselves up to new opportunities that closely resemble living our lives. To have such a heavy day sneak up on us like this and still be in good spirits?
That is the kind of clarity and peace that only God can give.
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